Some pretty embarrassing things have happened to me in my lifetime. Thank GAWD they have slowed down since I have been grown but stuff still happens and after I finish being embarrassed it really is funny as hell. So I’m sharing my moments with you guys and some stuff that happened to other people.
A few years ago I went to work looking cute as F*ck (I don’t know how cute that is but I was that cute). My new heels and A- line dress were on point. I was feeling myself as I crossed the breezeway from the parking garage into the building when true to its name a strong breeze (more aptly described as a small tornado) blew my dress up. Now when I say blew my dress up I mean STRAIGHT UP! I couldn’t even remotely catch it. It was inside out STRAIGHT UP! I tried not to scream but I’m a girl so I was letting out these little short spurts of shrieks. I finally get the damn dress under control and sent thanks up that I wore underwear that day. It was a g-string but at least my kitty was covered. I send up more thanks. I rush into the building before anyone can see me but right before I make it in I turn my head and see that about 6 Latino men had come to a complete standstill and had seen the entire thing happen. It was landscaping day.
After I had my daughter I was ready to snap back into shape. I lost pretty much all of the weight within the first month after giving birth but I really hadn’t left the house until my baby girl was about three months old. I wasn’t really ready to leave the baby with a babysitter and of course my husband made me take her with me. So I got dressed in my size 7 jeans and cute button down crisp white shirt and headed out to Walmart (what a night out) then to Kroger (Y’all ain’t ready for this jelly) and then for dinner I went to Pizza Inn. The Pizza Inn was one of those new ones that has like five registers to take your order and there were indeed five lines. One guy in the line kept looking at me and smiling. I thought it could be because of my adorable baby or the fact that I was looking smoking hot in my jeans. I started to feel myself….clearly feeling myself is my sure demise. I rocked my child back and forth keeping her calm while I decided what to order on the pizza and trying not to forget whatever toppings my husband deemed so important he sent me and my newborn out at night to get it while he lounged at home playing video games. I was concentrating really hard when I noticed two other guys checking me out and smiling. My self esteem was going through the roof at this point. I finally get up to the register to give my order. The guy taking my order was this truly handsome young man. I thought he would make some young girl happy. He couldn’t take his eyes off of me. He was blushing and stumbling over his words. He was so nervous he was starting to make me nervous. Then I notice a manager come up from the back and lean against a counter staring my way. Then another worker from the back came up…this time a girl. As I completed my order there were a total of seven people standing around looking at me. Now my husband has always told me I was paranoid because I always think people are looking at me. (But they are) I’m like seven feet tall (5’10) and I have Dolly Parton titties (that is no exaggeration) so people usually are looking but this was insane. Nearly the entire staff of Pizza Inn was watching me order my pizza. I started to think something was wrong.
It was time to pay for the pizza. I shifted the baby to the other arm so I could reach my hand into my purse. As I shifted the baby from the left to the right side, I feel a breeze (again with the damned breeze) but there was definitely a rush of cool air. I look down. My baby had somehow unbuttoned my shirt and pulled my entire right breast out of my bra without me knowing. I’m not sure how it happened. I have gone over this in my mind about a million times. How? How did she do it? I have extremely sensitive breasts so I’m not sure. The best I can come up with is that her body heat prevented me from knowing what was going on.
Okay so at this point I quickly dump my exposed tit back into my bra and pull my shirt closed. I paid for the pizza with my head held high and pinned every one of those employees with an epic “I hate you stare” and high tailed it out of there. I put the baby in the car and called my husband crying. You know what this Nickel said to me? Not are you okay baby. I’m sorry that happened to you. Nope. He says, “But did you get the pizza?”
I sold this story to ABC for a short lived sitcom called In the Mommyhood so I don’t mind sharing it with you. Stay tuned for more embarrassing moments with me. Laugh at my pain. For some reason most of my embarrassing moments involve nudity.