Forget the nonsense Size does matter (NSFW)

Okay so I was watching an episode of the show The New Girl and it was called Micro as in MicroPenis.

Now the episode was funny as hell but this was the first time I had heard about this as a medical condition. I just thought it was a incredibly small dick.  Anyhoo…I totally apologize to my Hubbs for this entire post but babe this was waaay before I met you. I saw that episode and then I read an article of 14 women telling their experiences with micropeen. I thought, man I could have been in this article. It was meant for me to write this rant.

Back in the day I dated a guy…. Let me tell you the story.

I had this car that I used to love. It was a white Mitsubishi Montero. I called her Lucy. Well Lucy died on the side of I45 North at a Mobil gas station and I was heartbroken. And unfortunately I was stranded. I couldn’t get in touch with anyone.  A guy offered to give me a ride home. I was reluctant but he had pictures of his family all over his car and I was too far to walk home but close enough not to be in the car with the guy for a long time. I took a chance.

I got in the car and things went downhill quickly. The dude basically tried to rape me while driving the car. I was about to stab him in the neck with a pen when I yelled at him to stop the car. I made him stop the car around the corner from my house. I had to think quickly just in case he wanted to stick around to finish the job. So I spied this guy standing in his front yard. I jumped out of the car and ran up to the guy full speed and jumped on him wrapping my legs around him. I screamed “I’m so happy to see you honey!” and kissed the guy.  The pervert in the car stayed to watch until I kissed the guy. P.S. The guy in his front yard caught me and kissed me without missing a beat.

After I calmed down and explained my situation to the guy—let’s just call him D. Mainly because I can’t remember what his actual name was, only that it started with a D. Anyway, after I explained things to D he wanted to chase the dude down and kick his ass and call the police.  I just wanted to forget the whole thing. D wound up asking me out. I looked at him maybe for the first time. He was GORGEOUS. I’m talking hot. I didn’t know how he lived so close to me and I hadn’t known that kind of hotness was there.

He was a firefighter….RIGHT?! Green eyes, clean cut, lived by himself and single! He dated me. Like actually took me out on dates. Things were going well. Then came the day he was going to cook me dinner. Ladies if EVER a guy wants to cook you dinner at his place just know that is code for we gonna get it on.  I wasn’t promiscuous but this dude was fine. Did I mention that? So I was ready to see what could happen.

He cooks me dinner. It was pretty good.  He tells me how beautiful he thinks I am…..okay?! We start making out.  He could charge for those kisses. He’s getting it popping and then he stops to say he wants to go take a shower. Umm… well okay I guess?

I’m sitting on his bed nervous because I hadn’t had that much experience and was unsure of what he was expecting me to do.  Then I was like fuck it. He’s a grown ass man and he can teach me.

He came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and still wet from the shower. All uncertainty melted away in a blaze of hot wet Fireman. His muscles had muscles. Water was dripping down his abs. He had abs!!!! And that part of the male body that I think was made for me. The Vee pointing to the goods. I was thanking my lucky stars for sending this man my way. Then he takes his towel off.

Whooooo (that is me taking a breath). SMH. That man had the smallest dick I had seen in my life. Granted I had not seen a bunch of dicks at that point (including porn) but I knew it wasn’t supposed to be the size of my pinky finger. And he was hard. I was actually confused at what I was seeing. Then he attacked me taking off my bra and trying to get me naked. My mind was racing with how I could get out this situation.  My house was getting robbed! But how could I possibly know that? I thought about feigning a heart attack but he was a fireman so he would probably give me life saving CPR. Luckily (and by the grace of God) he got up to put on a condom. Can you please explain to me why he had Magnum condoms? Magnums…..mothertruckin Magnums. Okay don’t fall down now but he put on TWO condoms. TWO! TWO. So while he turned his back to put on his two condoms. Yes he turned his back and walked into his restroom…… I slowly grabbed my bra and shirt off the bed and crawled out of his room (I have no idea why I crawled) and then broke into a flat out run. I only stopped to throw my shirt over my head and then ran all the way home.

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He called about ten times that day. I finally answered and said that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.  But in reality….it was his micropeen.

No grown man that fine should have a penis that small. It goes against nature.

Now look…..I’m not saying that a man with a small penis can’t get the job done but I am saying that his jank can’t be child sized. And no matter what size you are you have to know how to use it. And a good set of skills (oral sex, hands on foreplay, kissing) wouldn’t hurt either. Luckily for me I have the best of all worlds. Hey Hubbs!

~VC

 

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