Okay so I had my fill of Naked and Afraid because well….I just don’t get it. These people stay out in the wilderness without clothing, water, food or shelter for 21 days and you don’t win NOTHING?! Not a damn thang?! You just go home skinny, bug bitten, and barely alive?
You out cho dang mind…
But….They came out with Naked and Afraid XL. I was out the stupid survivalist game and they drug me back in.
So get this…
They have people come back! You heard me! The same people who cursed their own souls and damn near died come back. But wait! This time, instead of staying their nekkid behinds in the wilderness for 21 days…They are there for FORTY DAYS! As in 4-0!!!
Now I am no mathematician but I do understand that 40 is greater than 21. And if you barely make it for 21…
Mmkay so they introduce the group. I recognize several of the people. And I still hate them all. No really. The men are all cocky and like, “Me man and me rule nature!” And the women are all, “I may be a woman but I can stay out here as long as any man! I am woman hear me roar…Katy Perry.”
Basically I start mentally signing out at this point but then I see my Alana from Houston (H-TOWN!) I became a fan of hers because she was the first woman to last the full 21 days. Her partner, Macho Man Rainforest (Not his real name), wussed out with a seizure because his organs were shutting down and had to be airlifted to the medical facility.
Anyhoo, Alana is a make-up artist free balling it in the jungle so she can prove something to herself and she actually makes it. So since she’s there I kind of perk up.
But unfortunately for me things start to go down hill from here. Danielle is a 25 year old vegetarian from New Jersey. I was kinda sorta with her because in her everyday life she is a Wilderness EMT. But like I said she is a vegetarian and she almost died the first time around because she didn’t want to kill and eat anything. Look Bitch! If ever you are really in the wilderness with no food, you do what you have to do to survive. You fucking eat Timon and Pumba if you have to. She was out there licking tree bark and shit. Dying of freaking malnutrition. And get this! She plans on staying vegan while in the freaking Colombian underbush for 40 days. I wanted to slap her through the TV.
Then here comes Shane “The Alpha Male”. I hate him.
I don’t even want to type words about him, he makes me so sick. Everything has to be his way or he throws a tantrum. And he claims to not need anyone or care what anyone thinks. But later we find out his parents abandoned him and he grew up in the system. So his abandonment issues make him needy AF with a burning case of asshole syndrome wrapped in a package of emotional immaturity. He’s a catch. Shit, meeting him now, I think maybe his parents knew something we didn’t know.
Okay Harsh. Sorry 😦 But as a 40 year old man I would abandon him in the Foster system for 13 years.
Dude is arguing with his female companion about building a shelter or not. They wind up sleeping on the ground and she gets up the next day with so many bug bites on her that I went into anaphylactic shock for her.
So Shane has pissed me off so much that I am about to delete the episode off the DVR but ohhhhhhhh they saved the best for last.
The BLACK GUY from last season returns. Everyone is so super happy to see him because now he is kind of a celebrity. He’s THE black guy from Naked and Afraid. So I watch….
There are four groups of 6 people spread out over Columbia to see if they can survive for 40 days. Everyone immediately starts annoying me. They fight over where to stay. When to walk. Build a shelter or no. Where to build. What to build it out of. Where’s water….Shut the fuck up.
Even Alana the Hometown girl starts annoying me. I’m over it. The black guy is in a group with all men. They are Bro-ing it up building a shelter in the middle of the damn day like idiots. No water and no food in the sweltering heat. Oh that’s smart.
The black guy gets severely dehydrated and his organs start shutting down. He has body racking spasms that leave him in the fetal position. And has to leave the game on day two. Proving again……Naked and Afraid is still not for Minorities.