Possibly the greatest email I have ever read

Okay so I know being single is hard and you have to know what you want but ….

One of my best friends is single (Bless her soul) and she is a brave woman because she keeps putting herself out there despite being the recipient of such non sense like the email I am blogging about.

Out of respect for my homie I will not post the actual email but since it’s just you and me…I will tell you everything it said.

Now first of all…..My bestie met this guy on a dating website. I just want to put that out there. It wasn’t a deviant site either. It was a regular popular dating site.

She talks to this dude a couple of days for a few hours total. Nothing too special but she was getting to know dude.  Some time after the second conversation she receives what I call the ‘Greatest email I have ever read’.

It begins……(and I am paraphrasing because dude uses unnecessarily big words) He will be using her response to this email as a measuring rod of whether or not he will pursue getting to know her.  Strike one. Ninja no…..Who do you think you are? Whoever it is ain’t big enough to be sending ultimatums within the first three days of knowing someone.

He then goes on to say he wants it to be clear that he wants a family and his endeavors are working towards that goal.

Now wait for it…..

The very NEXT sentence says that he only wants to consider the woman he will build a family with to be one that enjoys anal sex.  I’m going to let that sit with you for a moment.  No need to reread what you just read. In an EMAIL that this man sent to a woman whom he just met, he says he wants a family but he only wants a woman who has anal sex.

He then goes into great detail saying basically if you ain’t for getting fucked in the booty then don’t bother calling him again. (Meanwhile using all his SAT words to write this email)  Woooooooo! I had to stop reading the email at this point. I am damn near in tears while reading.

He goes on to get VERY specific detailing the amount of anal sex he likes.  He says THIS is his PREFERENCE, meaning the only time he will be having vaginal (or traditional) sex is for purposes of procreation.  I was damn near calling 911 at this point.

My friend is like keep reading…..

So I do.  The email makes reference to something called edging and then like has this (edging1 anal2 edging 3)

Like it was in parenthesis just like that. So I look up and ask what that is. She’s like keep reading. OK so I do.

Then dude says he SPECIFICALLY likes to have a woman on her stomach for anal with him behind her and her “fucking back on his dick” and basically you need to be down to do this because that’s what he likes.

So you telling me you only want the booty because that’s what you need to get you hard and then you want to be a lazy fuck having the woman do all the work while you basically standing there? What in the entire HELL is that?

Mmkay, so I am worked into a sweaty tizzy now…..but I press on. (Yes the email was this long)

He goes on to say you ain’t changing his mind on this because he don’t give a good gottdamn if you enjoy the sex or not . I mean he didn’t use those words but that what he was saying in his own overly complicated douche baggery sort of way.

Whew….so we get to the end of the email……and remember those references in the parenthesis I was talking about earlier?? Well this is where we find out what they were referencing.

Porn clips.

You read that right. Actual organized and collated clips ranging from 4 minutes to 46 minutes of examples of the anal sex fucking (on the stomach fucking him back) that he likes. As if you couldn’t just understand from his detailed description.  I couldn’t have rolled my eyes hard enough.

Okay so….she responds (She is better than me because I would have just deleted all his contact info and kept it moving) but she responds and says but you would never try to please your mate with vaginal sex?

His response….This is what I like.  And he included three more clips for her tutelage.

I was done. I can’t do no mo….. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE…

She tells me that this man is 48 years old.  I needed to drink several sips of water.

WHAT??!!

Jesus!! This man may die alone and he never needs to procreate. He is either low level gay or he has a small meaningless penis.

VC

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